Dear Mavis...

Dear Mavis…

Noted film critic, screenwriter, serial-knitter and sexual deviant Mavis Butterscrape solves your film-related queries & personal problems
***********************************************************
David Addison of Crouch End writes…

Hi Mavis
Do you think Bruce Willis is actually too old to be an action hero but everyone is too scared to tell him?

Mavis says…
Ah, Bruce, what a lovely dear, dear man. Few people know how much he relied on me in those early days. “Die Hard” was originally going to be “Fry Lard” a gritty drama-documentary about a northern fish & chip shop owner before I intervened. It was me that made him wear one of the late Mr Butterscrape’s vests throughout 100 minutes of cinema as a forfeit from a late night game of strip poker. But to answer your question sweetie; No. Bruce is still as believable as ever in the hero’s role. Who can forget him as the tough detective in “The Last Boy Scout”, the tough gangster in “Last Man Standing” or the tough astronaut in “Armageddon”. Such versatility! He’ll always be with us; just like Heath Ledger would have been if I hadn’t lent him those pills for my rheumatics to help his back.

Samuel Smythe of Purley emails…
Dear Mavis,
I very much enjoyed going to see “Meet the Spartans” at the cinema and…

Mavis says…
Can I just stop you there dear? No advice to give, I just wanted to stop you. Thanks.



Sarah Gumm of Shanklin, Isle of Wight writes…
Dear Mavis
I just wanted to write and say how much I enjoyed “Star Wars” which came out at my local cinema last week. Some people were frightened by the flickering lights on the screen (or the magic picture as we call it) and ran screaming into the sea, but those of us that stayed had a lovely time. With your insider connections do you think it’s too much to hope that they’ll make a great sequel to it?

Mavis says…
Yes dear, I think it is.

George Dinkle of Aberystwyth crayons…
Hello Mavis
The worst film I ever saw was “Vanilla Sky”. A film about row upon row of people staring blankly for an hour and a half with loads of talking in the background. Occasionally one of them would walk out and come back with popcorn but that was all the action there was. Rubbish! There should be a law against Tom Cruise being in movies. I didn’t even recognise him in this one, the little weirdo.

Mavis says…
Are you sure you weren’t facing the wrong way at the cinema dear? There is actually a very well-enforced law that prevents him being in movies unless his character is laughably arrogant, which I think works very nicely.


Marvin Fidgely of Milton Keynes types…
Dear Mavis
This month I attended “Swedish week” at my local cinema with high hopes, especially as films by the noted erotic director Ingmar Bigman were being exhibited. Imagine my dismay when, not only did that turn out to be a mis-print, but I had to sit through the whole of “The Seventh Seal” in my mac. If it wasn’t for my slight chain-mail fetish it would have been a wasted evening. If the BFFC rated all films with a simple percentage to show the average ratio of clothed vs. naked flesh then I wouldn’t have been put in this embarrassing position.

Mavis says…
I agree with you totally dear. If they’d have made the effort I wouldn’t have taken my aged mother to see “Schindler’s Fist”. I should have known something was up when it was in colour; mainly pink as I recall. Mind you “Hayley Potter and the Philosopher’s Bone” was a nice surprise.