Biting Satire

Greetings all. I’m not much of a satirist but the case of Paul Chambers really got my goat. And I don't even own a goat. There but for the grace of god, I thought, go me & a lot of other people.

News story here: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/twitter-joke-led-to-terror-act-arrest-and-airport-life-ban-1870913.html
Expert Legal Opinion here: http://jackofkent.blogspot.com/2010/05/paul-chambers-disgraceful-and-illiberal.html

Anyway, by strange coincidence I was poking around in the Home Office when I saw a letter on that very subject & nicked it to show you all. And by “all” I mean the three people who might read this.

Dear the Head of the Crown Prosecution Service,

Hello, I’m Theresa, and I’m the new Home Secretary.
Firstly, thanks for the thought about making Hashtags a Class-A controlled substance; good to see you have your finger on the pulse!
As you know there’s been a bit of a hoo-hah this week about you prosecuting a man for making a joke on Twitter and then the judge finding him guilty of sending a menacing communication.
I’m sending some proposals to the press. Have a read of them can you & let me know what you think? I’ve kept the language simple as I know you don’t always “get” this sort of stuff.

Dear Newspaper Editor
Problem
The case of Paul Chambers this week has brought an age-old dilemma into sharp focus. When is a joke a harmless piece of tomfoolery and when is it a threat to our security?
In the aftermath of 9-11 a lot of things changed. Anyone who thinks that they can make jokes in the same manner as in the carefree days when the free world was kept safe under the heel of a benevolent British Empire, is sadly deluded. The terrorists are deadly serious, so we must be twice as serious as that if we are to combat their ever-present threat.
I appreciate that a minority of people have a need for levity and in a democratic society like ours we shouldn’t demonise them with names or labels. But if these slackers want to play the fool they must recognise that it is their responsibility to be careful with their humorous japes, so that they don’t trigger security alerts or upset anyone.
The menace is not from the jokes themselves as Des O’Connor has proved. The very real problem is the incorrect use of jokes by unqualified people.
Humour, wielded incorrectly, can be a dangerous thing and dangerous things cannot be allowed to remain in the hands of the general public without legislation and control.
Solution
I propose to introduce a Comedy Licensing Scheme. Anyone who considers him or herself a Comedian will need to apply for such a licence. Once the Comedian and their immediate family have passed the police background checks, then they will be allowed to ply their trade. There will also be provision to issue temporary licences such as may be required for someone needing to make a best man’s speech or who will be going with friends to the pub and feels the need to amuse them.
But where, I hear you cry, should this trade in foolishness by plied?
The internet, to which literally thousands of people have uncontrolled access, is no place for something as potentially dangerous and offensive as a joke.
Suitable premises will thus also need to be licensed. Within these premises, jokes can be told by licensed Comedians on the understanding that their audience is fully aware that they are listening to humour and not to terrorist threats and so should not get all alarmed and what not.
Amnesty
Obviously, in recent years the illusion of freedom that has been fostered by the internet has tempted a lot of people to express opinions in the form of sarcasm, puns and other such flippancy. We do not wish to prosecute innocent people, no, seriously, we don’t, stop laughing.
There will thus be an amnesty period so that people can hand in any Tweets, Facebook status updates, Blog posts or seaside postcards which they may have allowed into the public arena but which now they realise were in poor taste and that they should be utterly ashamed of.
Don’t let them win!
The Comedy Licensing Scheme is necessary but one thing is still paramount. We mustn’t let the terrorists win, and we can only do that by not letting them change our way of life.

Lots of love

Theresa

P.S. Thanks for all that money you gave us. David sends hugs.

What do you think Head of the CPS? If the press give me permission then I’ll let Parliament have a vote on it, so watch this space!