Laser Quest
“So
tell me again?” the big man bent over to sit himself down on the lower bunk;
fixing his eyes on Colm he scratched his shaved, tattooed head.
“What?
I told you at dinner.” Colm perched nervously on the only chair and scraped it
back against the wall to be a little bit further away.
“So
you are in here” the big man gestured round the walls of the holding cell
“because you were trying to impress a girl.”
“Yes”
“With
a laser pen”
“Yes”
“No.
Take me through it again. No one does that.”
“I
did it.”
“No
one normal does that son.”
Colm
rubbed his eyes with his thin fingers then looked up. The nervous energy
engendered by the events of the last several hours had worn off. He nodded agreement.
A
smile broke out across the big man’s slab of a face. “Good man! Take your time
we’ve got all night.” He paused and a dark look appeared, a thick finger waved
in front of Colm’s eyes. “Don’t miss anything out mind!”
Colm
took a breath and shut his eyes; closing off the grey little room with its
girly pics blu-tac’d to the wall and its stainless-steel toilet bolted to the
floor.
He
wasn’t sure where to begin and opened his eyes to say so.
The
big man’s eyes were wide, permanently startled. “Work away now” and Colm forced
his thoughts to Caroline.
It
was in the lunch queue at college. She appeared next to him and said “Sorry can
I just…?” and reached past him to the chiller cabinet. He was enveloped by a
cloud of apple blossom and rose, the scent transporting him to hours spent lazing
in an orchard on a sun-soaked Scout camp. Blonde hair to her shoulders, a green
army surplus jacket with three different versions of the same Anarchist badge pinned
to the collar and a scrawled ‘A’ in a circle on the back. A tiny red crystal stud
interrupted the freckles across her nose. She looked up at him as she pulled away.
“Thanks!”
Blue eyes. Sculpted eyebrows.
“Sure!
I’m Colm! No problem! Anytime! ” he continued to blurt out random words as she walked
away. Faded jeans, scuffed Superdry trainers.
At
the counter he watched her buy a cheese and pickle sandwich on brown bread and
a Tunnock’s teacake and a can of coke. Full-fat, not diet.
That
Saturday he was at a party at Terry’s. Colm stood
with Declan, leaning against the brick wall at the back of Terry’s mum’s house.
It was still warm from the sun that’d been on it all day and they drank cans of
Harp and discussed the issue.
“So
you like her then?” Declan nodded towards Caroline who was currently standing upwind
of the barbecue chatting with a group of girls.
Colm
did like her. Colm was obsessed with her. Colm had
thought of nothing but Caroline for the one week, three days and seven hours since
their fateful meeting in the canteen; the way she carried her book bag over one
shoulder, the way she half-covered her mouth when she laughed, the way her hair
swished as she walked past, entirely indifferent to his casual nods of greeting.
He
hesitated, “Nah, well, yeah, she’s okay.”
“Sure
you’ve got the same dopey look like you had back in Primary over Rosanna Fee. Why
don’t you just go and talk to her?”
“Because…look!”,
he carefully waved his can in her direction. She wore the same rough green anarchist’s
jacket over a faded Ramones t-shirt and stud belt. Denim skirt, bare legs, black
ankle boots. The sun backlit the curls in her blonde hair. “Why would she talk
to me?”
“Shut
up, it’ll be fine, just say hello”
“…and
then what?”
“See
where it goes from there.”
“That
is such a shit plan”
“Might
work…”
“For
you maybe, not for me.” Declan was never without a girl; tubby, lazy as the day
was long, and yet he could talk the birds from the trees. He remained blissfully
unaware of this talent.
Colm
tilted his head back and drained his lager, enjoying the heat, the smell of
smoky food, the babble of voices around him. He had only spoken to Declan so
far, because in truth Declan was his only friend, but it felt nice to be with
people.
“Colm!”
he suddenly noticed Declan was no longer by his side but was now standing next
to Caroline and her friends, grinning and waving at him. Colm focussed on acting
completely normal and left the safety of the patio to join them.
“Ladies,
this is my friend Colm. Colm this is Caroline (Declan dropped Colm what he
considered to be a sly wink), Janine, Roisin and Laura.
“Caroline
(a wink you could see from space) was just telling us how much she likes cats.”
Colm said hello as if acknowledging girls was something he was very very used
to, making limited eye to eye contact and zero eye to breast contact. Caroline nodded
dispassionately at him, as if Declan had brought along a curious-looking houseplant.
She then continued to tell them about her cat Mr Fluffy.
Before
she could say much she was interrupted by a loud “Alright my lovelies?” and into
the circle bounded Luke to universal female acclaim as he hugged his way around
the group (nodding at Declan and Colm).
“How’s
it going with youse all?” he said “I just got the Audi back from the garage. So
I took it for a burn just to test it out, so that’s why I’m a bit late.”
To
Colm’s satisfaction no one bit on Luke’s “I’ve got a car” gambit. Colm himself
had a pushbike which he’d surreptitiously left in an alley a few doors down.
“Caroline
was telling us about her cat just” said one of the girls. Colm winced and had a
small bet with himself.
“Caroline’s
pussy eh?” said Luke and Colm counted his imaginary winnings.
“Oh
Luke – you’re a bad man!” they giggled. Not for the first time Colm wondered how
crassness and popularity were somehow joined at the hip.
Fired
by this righteous thought he blurted out “I had a cat once. He was called Bob.”
and the eyes of the group turned to him expectantly.
“Did
you Colm?” Caroline smiled and his stomach did a little happy flip.
“Yes.”
His brain stubbornly refused to give him any further conversational help. “When
I was a kid. He was very…” (don’t say cuddly, don’t say cuddly) “…cuddly.”
There
was a short pause as the group digested this.
“Wow”
said Luke flatly “Great story young man.” and Colm, in the year below Luke and a
vast six months younger was crushed.
“Do
you still have him Colm?” asked Caroline unexpectedly throwing him a lifeline.
“No,
he died, he got hit by a car.” He smiled bravely.
“Oh
that’s awful. I don’t know what I’d do if Mr Fluffy died.”
Luke
gave Caroline a quick shoulder squeeze as if he understood her pain. Colm gave
Declan a look that said he would have cheerfully killed Luke if an opportunity
arose and if Luke wasn’t bigger and stronger and older and better looking and
had a car. Declan rolled his eyes in commiseration.
In
the cell a hand came down on Colm’s shoulder bringing him back to more
immediate concerns. The big man loomed over him. The big man’s name was Liam or
maybe Ian or maybe neither of those. Colm felt they were too far along with
each other for him to ask for a reminder now.
“I
didn’t mean I wanted your fricking life story, cut to the chase”
“You
said don’t miss anything out.”
The
big man cuffed him lightly “Don’t cheek me boy”.
Colm
got back onto the chair. “Sorry.”
“So
the girls had another better party to go to, and Luke said he could give them a
lift and so they left and then it was just me and Declan chatting again. And Declan
says – you know how much she likes that cat? And I says Yeah. So he says what
if you rescued it? And I say But it doesn’t need rescuing? And Declan says it might.”
The
big man humphed his approval, he had some experience in this line of work.
“How’s
he gonna go missing? How am I gonna rescue him?” said Colm
Declan,
reached into his pocket. On his key-ring was an oversized black metal cylinder.
“This is a Laser Sighting Device. They use these in the Army.” he said “For
sniping and that”.
“It’s
a laser pointer.”
“It
is not. It is a Laser Sighting Device” Declan said, reproachfully.
“You’re
mad in the head” said Colm “How am I going to shoot her cat?”
“Not
shoot it ya eejit! Have you not seen cats and lasers?”
“Is
that a film?” Colm bantered
“Feck
me I will swing at you in a minute!” said Declan.
Another
pat from the big man – “Fast forward son.”
Colm
stood up and paced around the cell as he explained further.
“So
I was to go to her house that night and reach in through the cat flap and shine
the laser. Mr Fluffy would see it and come outside. We even stole some tuna
from Terry’s mum’s cupboard to sweeten the deal. Then I’d hide the cat at mine
and pretend I found it the next day.”
“Did
it work?”
Colm
looked down at the big man on the bunk and cocked an eyebrow at his
surroundings.
“So
it did not work?” The big man stood up, uncomfortable with Colm doing the
looming. He leant back against the cell door, arms folded. From behind it the hubbub
from the nightly intake had quietened to an occasional echoing bang and shouted
obscenity.
“I
biked over to Caroline’s and snuck round the back. The plan goes fine except when
I shine the laser inside and do the ‘here kitty’ bit through the cat flap
there’s no sign of Mr Fluffy. I get the can of tuna out but fecking Declan
didn’t think to give me a tin opener. I try waving the can through the flap in
case Mr Fluffy recognises it y’know but no joy.
“So
I sit myself down outside the back door to have a think and I’m just shining
the little red dot around the garden for a laugh.
“Then
I hear a miaow and out from the hedge pounces this big ball of fur! So I
carefully reel him in like and bring the little dot closer and closer to me,
keeping it wiggling like its alive see?
“Like
you’re Hemingway wrestling a three hundred pound tuna.” said the big man dryly.
“Yeah…
Well, then I grab Mr Fluffy and start to hustle off round to the front of the house
again.”
“But….?”
“But
he squirms out of my arms and shoots up a fir tree.”
“Cats,
cash & women. You’ve got to hold onto them tight!”
“Well
my own cat wasn’t like that, he was…”
“…cuddly,
yeah, you said earlier”
“You’re
making fun of me now.”
The
big man widened his eyes and showed his palms. “Pal, I was making fun of you then,
let alone now. You climbed after him?”
“I
did. But I fell out of the tree because it was slippy.”
“Slippy”
“Yes.
Slippy. But I didn’t give up. Even though I nearly broke my arm and totally scratched
the feck out of my face.”
The
big man dutifully inspected the faintest of red lines on Colm’s cheek.
“That
could scar son.”
“Once
I’d got my wind back and the twigs and dirt off me I shone the laser again,
trying to get him down. I was standing in their garden shining it when a police
helicopter flew over.”
“It
wouldn’t have been there for you son.”
“I
know that now. But then I was quite drunk”
“Shitting
your wee self more like!”
Colm
agreed that this might have also been a factor.
Briefly
lit by a police spotlight Colm ran down the path and into the street. He stopped
short in front of Caroline who was heading unsteadily for her gate.
“What?”
she said “Colm? What are you doing here?”
“Whaddya
tell her?” The big man came up close, Colm could smell sweat and tobacco.
“I
told her I was trying to bring down a police helicopter with a laser.”
“Ha!
Why?”
“I
said I was a political anarchist and it was an initiation ceremony to join my
local platoon.”
“Platoon?”
“Is
it not called a platoon?”
“It’s
a brigade ya fuckwit.”
“A
Brigade of Anarchists? Ok, thanks.”
“Not
a…ok never mind. But she believed you?”
“Oh
yes, she’d had a few herself and wanted to see me try it”
“And
did the police believe you? “
“I
was shining my laser at the helicopter when a patrol drove up.”
“And
so they put you in here to wait for a hearing?”
“Yes”
“And
why did you not tell them the truth? That you’re just a kid with a laser
pointer trying to impress a girl.”
“About
Mr Fluffy? About fancying Caroline? Not a fecking chance – I’m an idiot but not
that big of an idiot. Plus…”
“Plus
what…?” the big man turned from examining a particularly lurid centrefold
pinned up by the door.
“Turns
out it wasn’t her cat up the tree. Mr Fluffy came out the front door as they
were taking me away.”
The
big man’s guffaws were loud enough that the duty officer came down & opened
up the door to investigate.
“Tell
him… tell him” the big man gasped.
Colm
fixed the new arrival with a serious stare. “Well. I first saw her in the lunch
queue at college…”
